i’m sorry it’s just too hard and i’m trying my best to stay around

when you feel like you’re so done with your imaginations of happy and full of sparkle life and your future sorted out,
you’re gonna need some time to take a deep breath and stare ahead from where you stand.
it’s either pitch-black darkness or blinding light.

when you finally stop doing what your heart wants the most and feel like giving up is the best choice because there’s no way you can get that life, the one that you always longing ever since you have an ideal happy life that your broken self want
it’s gonna get empty. your brain, your heart, everything.

starting over is impossible and too hard
but to keep on going is just too messed up.

no specific goals,
dreams are long gone,
no longer alive but the pain of death is too scary.
so you hurt yourself in many possible ways,
a near death experience.
and you find there’s no point to continue on living.

and that’s when they ask you to choose,
to live for someone else or to end this?
so you choose to live for someone else
because the end is too dreadful and the possible truth that no one will grieve for you it’s just too much to handle.

then you go on with your life to save other people,
recklessly.
overlook your limit,
or neglect the fact that you are a human being too.
you can break.
you can explode from too many emotions.
but you think, as long as you’re not a burden or at least can help to carry some of the other’s burden,
staying alive is just easier as the day goes by.
at least it’s getting easier to breathe because the voices in your head stop suffocating you for being such a nuisance to humanity
to the point that you cry so hard and it’s hard to breathe.

you can help. you choose to help.
because right now, you already used to it.
it’s easier to walk trough the thorny path now that your feet are already numb.
drowning is not a problem now that you can breathe underwater and your lungs already filled with water.
and flames, can’t burn you.
because there’s nothing left to burn.

you’re so used to it to the point that you no longer take care of yourself because, in the end, you’ll break anyway.
so you just go along the ropes.
not hoping for the best because after all this time,
life always gives you the worst possible.
all you can do is prepare.

And, maybe one day,
one day,
if you’re lucky enough,
you can get the chance to be a little selfish and
you will meet the happiest version of you.
it’s gonna be a long-ass journey,
but I think it will be worth it.